I Don’t Know

I don't know.

I woke up with this deep feeling of I don’t know.

What is troubling me, what is nagging me, why am  I so restless. 

My mind ever at my service, started racing around to find me a story, to hook my feeling, grumbling, “It's not good to admit I don't know. We have to know what we don't know. I am sure, It’s because you are feeling alone, or

It's because you have this backache, which is making simple tasks seem mammoth, or

It's because you are worried about your work.

It's because you are not able to write anymore.

It's because you are left behind, you can never catch up…”

I was listening to my mind very carefully, fully in synch, my mind after all. But. 

This last one made me laugh, hysterically. “Left behind? Catch up with whom? Seriously?”

My mind, offended by my ridicule, receded into a frozen silence.

And then I felt my heart whisper, softly 

Your dreams, Smita, your aspirations.

Made me stop. 

And I felt myself melt into the softness of my heart, whispering

“Am I too old to dream anymore? Aspire?

Can I start something new? My broken, weak back is filling me with doubts. 

A new country, a new life, alone, my community back in India. 

Am I being ambitious, should I just settle into the known.

The fear of the unknown is wrapping itself around me, smothering me like the smog in Delhi.

And yet there is this drive, this seeking of the very unknown which is frightening. 

Who doesn’t want a do-over. The possibility of starting over. 

This struggle between the comfort of the known, and the exciting fear of the unknown, isn’t this what life force is all about? 

I don’t know.

Do you?