WEIGHTLESS-PART 11

MATURE CONTENT | Reader Discretion Advised | Eating Disorder | Suicide

Anshul’s world crashes. 

A livid hate for her mother engulfs her. Just as soon as a tsunami of guilt drowns her. And then anger burns every inch of love she has felt for her mother. She will show her mother. She will make sure that Kadambari lives through her. 

The distance between Bela and Anshul is a chasm. Irreparable. Anshul is totally anorexic now. Binge and purge. She is losing weight. Rapidly. Her BMI has gone haywire. Bela is trying everything. But she gets only rage from Anshul. 

One day, Anshul gathers her courage to visit Kadambari’s parents. 

Anshul was expecting a swank house with very well-to-do parents. She is surprised to find the address as DDA flats. Her parents were mouse-like. Her mother was still crying and grieving. From the door, Anshul could see another room that looked like Kadambari’s. As is. Kadambari’s mother saw her looking and affirmed that it was Kadambari’s room. She hadn't had the courage to go and sort it out as yet.

Anshul seeks permission to go in there and sits at Kadambari’s desk for a long while, as the winter sun streams in on her. To avoid the glare, Anshul bends lower and lower. As she bends low, her eyeline comes to the level with the bottom of the desk. She sees a diary taped to the bottom. Curious, she looks around and, finding herself alone, furtively untapes the diary and slips it into her jacket. 

Sitting in the park alone, Anshul opens the diary and is subsumed into the world that was Kadambari. The first page said HELP. Curious Anshul reads on, and each page gives her revelations that chill her to the bone. Kadambari was suffering so much? She flips through the chapters. Rapidly. And she is more and more shocked as the words float around her. 

Chapter 1) I hate the world. I will self-inflict. Harm myself. I can’t stand my body. 

Chapter 2) I mask my pain. I am so cool. First meeting with Anshul… My binge and purge. Bathroom and boys 

Chapter 3) I don't eat. I can't eat. I want to eat. Anshul, you are so sorted. So healthy. You have such a cool relationship with your mother. You can help me get sorted. Your mother can. 

Chapter 4) Anshul, you are so useless. I thought you were tighter than this. How easy it is to control you and get you addicted as well. I have so much power. I hate my power. I HATE MY POWER. 

Chapter 5) Nobody cares. Especially my family. Why can't they step up and take responsibility like Anshul’s Mom? Why are they scared of my tantrums? I want them to be firm and take responsibility. Not be scared of me, avoid me, and let me do what I want. Why can't my Mom be like Anshul’s Mom? Anshul is so useless to fall for my trap and get addicted. Laxatives, diuretics, anything to prevent gaining weight. Argh, these lacerations in my mouth and throat are killing me. 

Chapter 6) Aww, Anshul, you are such a darling to stand up for me with those idiot girls. Only you love me and recognise me as someone who is not a tyrant and irresponsible. Stop, you idiots surrounding me. Stop being victims and martyrs. I will go and talk to Bela Aunty tonight. Tell her we are both sick and need attention. And strong intervention. And loving firmness. I want to be healthy. I am sorry, Anshul, for making you like me and getting you addicted as well. But tonight everything will change. I know. This is my last chance. Someone has to help me. And it can only be Bela Aunty. 

Anshul closes the diary with a snap. It's a winter evening. The dark and the cold are creeping in around her as she shivers under the weak, watery lamp light. She gets up suddenly and starts running. 

Desperately running. As if her life depended on that running. 

Anshul reaches home panting, dishevelled and sweating. She approaches Bela gingerly in her studio. She stands for a long moment, silently, and then she sobs out  ‘… Mom….’ 

Bela, immersed in her sculpting, is immediately attentive, ‘Yes, love…’

Anshul bursts into deep, heart-wrenching, nerve-wracking sobs. Bela opens her arms and absorbs her into a deep, warm, protective embrace.

‘Help…’ Anshul whispers, as she sinks to the floor. 

Bela bends and swoops her in her arms, settling down next to her. ‘Beta…my child.’

They sit like that. Silently. Embracing. For an interminable length of time. Dark evening shadows now surround them.

Finally, Anshul proffers the diary to her.  ‘Mom…. Can you bear this weight?’ 

Bela, though confused, doesn't hesitate, takes the diary from her, ‘You will always be weightless for me, mera bachcha. Like a feather.’ Bela kisses her softly on her forehead as she starts flipping through the diary. Her eyes start clouding with tears. So much pain. On each page. And Bela missed the signs. 

Anshul starts whispering, ‘Help me… help Kadambari… we both need your love and help…’ 

Bela wipes the tears from her cheeks, ‘Garam garam parathi khayegi? Halwa bhi?’ 

Anshul nods lightly.

Bela helps Anshul up with a smile, they walk out into the lengthening shadows, arm in arm, tears of relief coursing down their cheeks.